Your Inner Fish

“Find your inner fish,” whispers Kevin Bacon, your social engineering instructor. Its 9:00 AM and you are attending the Popularity Verity with Bacon seminar in upper Manhattan. All your dubiousness of attending the event rapidly departed after your first enlightening encounter with the actor. After just an hour of his mingling and conversational exercises, you are now more confident than ever. You feel great about yourself. Your self-esteem, you decide, has never been higher. But what will you do with the Bacon doctrine? After some thought, you resolve to apply these newfound social skills to your personal life and to your workplace.

Your mind rewinds to the icebreaker question: How many times have you farted in public? Initially, you think, “Who the hell is this guy? Did I really sacrifice my marriage to be here?” As you motion toward the exit, Bacon swiftly stops you in your tracks and, in front of the class of 30 people, repeats, “How many times have you farted in public?”

In a timid voice you respond, “Once, by accident,” when Bacon proceeds to laugh maniacally.

At once, he proclaims, “You see, this is exactly the problem with society today. Not enough farting, not enough courage. From this moment on, I mandate that you fart at least one time in an elevator daily. This way, you will become unaccustomed to what others think of you and your odors. Eliminate that Shy Guy persona and let the flatulence come forth!”

Your mind struggles to register the sheer extraordinariness of this advice. Your Bacon-induced stupor grounds you, paralyzes your awe-stricken face.

As Bacon prepares to share his closing remarks, you reflect on how Bacon’s counsel will resonate with you for a lifetime. Finally, he bids the audience farewell, reminding you ladies and gentlemen to embrace the spirit of the fish and to always swim with the school. The one that swim in the opposite direction, he asserts, is the first to be eaten by the shark. How delightful, Bacon is talking about fish. Your stomach grumbles and you realize that you are incredibly hungry.